Please Just Save Me From This Darkness

I've never been here before. I'm living with boys. The garbage needs to be taken out. There's a bike in the living room. I can see the back of the refrigerator. I'm sleeping every night on a purple air mattress borrowed from a friend, in the middle of the living room. The apartment next door has it's music blaring each morning, playing the same song, same words, same beat, same bass line. Something about "music..." and "use it...". I'd like to tell her where to use her music at 6:30 in the morning.

I've never been here before. I'm in the in-between. Not in-between jobs, not in-between classes. I'm in the in-between of life. I'm in the crevice that no one talks about. People talk about getting a job after school. They talk about how everybody goes through this transition. But they don't talk about the darkness that exists here. They don't talk about the loneliness that lies between each hour of every day. Do people really know what this is like? How can I go this alone? And how can I tell people how desperate I really am? How can I allow myself to be that vulnerable? I am not weak.

I've never been here before. Seeking God's face in the midst of this darkness is not hard for me to do. I can see Him. And I believe Him. He has shown Himself to me. But this place is still dark and full of me. And I am still stumbling over things that I put there myself.