Good 'Ol Henri

"To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God moulds us according to God's love and not according to our fear. The spiritual life is a life in which we wait, actively present to the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our own imagination, fantasy, or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world preoccupied with control." - Henri Nouwen

Getting Jesusy.

The following was written by one of my best friends. With his permission, I am posting it here. Read on...

Okay, so I try not to get all Jesusy. The reason is, I know that people are kind of scared of the Jesusy stuff. They have every right to be. The church (which is commonly associated with Jesus) has screwed over a lot of people. They have claimed to speak on Jesus' behalf by condemning people, perpetuating injustice, promoting internalized self-hatred, subjugating people groups, etc. To me, however, that movement and those actions are not associated with the person of Christ. Christ gives a shit about people.

Many current national and local debates have centered around the question of whether individuals have a responsibility to care for other individuals. For instance, should I pay more taxes so that James, a person fighting HIV, can get medication? Should I pay more for my cigarettes so that Kesha can participate in Early Headstart? Should I support programs that ensure Mary, a mother who has schizophrenia, can get the therapy she needs? But in the midst of all of these specific cases, one pervasive theme exists- what is MY responsibility for OTHER people?

At many of the town hall meetings and discourses surrounding the ridiculous PA budget crisis and the national healthcare crisis, you hear people ranting about how they have worked so hard to earn their insurance or that they worked hard so they didn't have to be on welfare or depend on government services. That's all well and good- the American Dream- the pick-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps rugged individualism capitalism mindset. If you don't make it, you didn't try hard enough. But that's assuming we started out with the same hand. That's assuming that we were all giving 100 dollars and had to make the best of it. But that's not how it works. You were given 10, I was given 50, and someone else was born with 100. It's not a level playing field. You are deluding yourself if you think it is.

So given this information, what is your responsibility to care for others? You got your piece, so why should you worry about anyone else? Well, I have three reasons (and one is Jesusy).

1) Moral Responsibility- Some would argue that it's just the 'right thing to do' to care about people who are vulnerable and oppressed. They don't blame being down on your luck on moral depravity, they don't lump people in government services in one category, they stay connected with real, hurting people, and they care. Maybe they know someone who benefits from services or they have, in the past, benefited from services.

2) Fiscal Responsibility- Sustainability takes investment. While it may seem like the government is pouring money into a black hole, they are not. When they fund services, they, in turn, keep people from using more expensive services. Mary (the person with schizophrenia mentioned earlier) can get vocational support and pay taxes, while staying out of expensive institutions like jails, homeless shelters, or state hospitals (cha ching). Kesha gets early headstart and is able to use the skills she learns to escape the cycle of poverty and become a contributing member of society, and as a result, won't use as many government services throughout her lifespan (cha ching). James is medicated, and is able to work instead of just die in a hospital somewhere (cha ching). You know what, paying for services is a sustainable investment (and you can see that when you look at other countries with high taxes).

3) Spiritual Responsibility- Jesus likes poor people. He likes it when people who claim to be his followers like poor people. He likes it when people share the wealth. He likes it when people look into the eyes of someone less fortunate and see a human being. There is no way to justify the rugged individualism of some people with Christianity. It doesn't work. Sorry. Epic fail. If you don't give a shit about your neighbor, are you listening to the message that Christ preaches? Are you listening to the homeless revolutionary who touched lepers, pissed off the religious institution, flipped tables, included women, embraced prostitutes, convinced tax collectors to disperse the wealth, gave to the poor, hung around with cussing fisherman, included the freak, geek, and outcast... ?

Weigh it out. If you're concerned about raising taxes or government control, that's fine. But if you're just covering your own ass, that's not fine. This is a life or death issue. And if you're a Christian, this is a Christian issue.

zero to hero.

there is a man sitting in borders. he wears headphones, he reads his email. he is surrounded by others. there are no empty seats around.

he is air-drumming. he is drumming on his table. you can tell he's really into the song(s). at first, a wave of embarrassment floods my being as my empathy is kicked into overdrive. i think, "stop! don't! you're committing social suicide!" but then i look around and realize that everybody is in their own head. maybe they notice him, maybe they don't. but if they do, they're hiding it well. so then i think, "wow, dude. you're pretty incredible. i wish i was able to unashamedly display my passions like you. you're my new hero."

it's time.

in order to get any real work done, i need to get a few things out. it's been awhile since blogger has heard from me, and i'm not going to get into why. i'm just going to say this:

- i'm back in california. for a (hopefully) limited time only. i don't really fit in here. for a number of reasons, really. but i'm here. at least until january, and then i have the world at my fingertips again. i can't wait. but in the meantime, i am trying to enjoy my time here, with my family, with my friends.

- i've recently been inspired to a New Way of Blogging. my blogs will now be different. they may be random...much more like me. they may be tidbits of information i want to share with y'all (i don't even know who reads this, really). they might just be a picture i feel like sharing. they might be deep, they might be shallow. they may make no sense to you. they may shock you. maybe they will reveal something about myself that you didn't know.

- i am going to be me. and sometimes i contradict myself, but that just means i don't have it all figured out. neither do you.

kthanksbye.

breathe...life will surprise you.

I'm in Philly for one last night. I made the decision on Thursday that I would make the move. It's complicated right now, and I don't really even know where this next step will take me. But for now, I know I'm leaving the east coast. And I'm sad.

I have spent the last two weeks with my step-sister and her family. I had such a great time with them, and it was so hard to say goodbye. My step-sister, Alexis, and I were best friends when we were little. We shared a room every-other weekend for years. We knew everything about each other. Then space and time got the best of us, and we weren't as much a fixture in each other's lives. It was nice to reacquainted. We still fit into each other's lives as much as we did when we were 10. I love you, Lexi. And Nathan, Adam, and Bentley too.

So there are relationships that I've built on in this past year, and there are new relationships that have recently been rekindled. Neither of which I'm entirely ready to depart from. Barely over a year ago I was getting ready for this journey I've taken east. I didn't know anybody here. I knew nothing about where I was going to live, or who I was going to meet. It's been an incredible journey. Full of deep lows and surprising highs. I have been blessed.

So now as I am still unsure what to expect on this road ahead, I can still expect God's greatness. My sadness doesn't come from a sorrowful experience. It comes from the great joy that I experienced here. The great joy that I am now sad to leave. But I can and do trust that God will continue to provide for me. He will provide guidance and direction, new relationships, restoration of old relationships, and once again, He will surprise me.

There is light in this darkness. I'm ready to be surprised.

mmmm. life....

I baked a pie tonight. A peach pie. My first pie without the immediate supervision of either my mom or my grandma. And it turned out pretty good!

I'm with family. And it feels good. I'm still on this rollercoaster of no-jobiness, and some of the turns feel worse than others. But right now I feel peace. I feel peace knowing that God has not, and will not forget me. I feel peace knowing that I have family and friends on both coasts that love me enough to pray for me and support me. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your support.

I don't know what the next turn on this rollercoaster will be. But I'm hanging on for dear life, and trying to enjoy this ride.

"...it is written,
no eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived,
what God has prepared for those who love Him."
1 Corinthians 2:9

Please Just Save Me From This Darkness

I've never been here before. I'm living with boys. The garbage needs to be taken out. There's a bike in the living room. I can see the back of the refrigerator. I'm sleeping every night on a purple air mattress borrowed from a friend, in the middle of the living room. The apartment next door has it's music blaring each morning, playing the same song, same words, same beat, same bass line. Something about "music..." and "use it...". I'd like to tell her where to use her music at 6:30 in the morning.

I've never been here before. I'm in the in-between. Not in-between jobs, not in-between classes. I'm in the in-between of life. I'm in the crevice that no one talks about. People talk about getting a job after school. They talk about how everybody goes through this transition. But they don't talk about the darkness that exists here. They don't talk about the loneliness that lies between each hour of every day. Do people really know what this is like? How can I go this alone? And how can I tell people how desperate I really am? How can I allow myself to be that vulnerable? I am not weak.

I've never been here before. Seeking God's face in the midst of this darkness is not hard for me to do. I can see Him. And I believe Him. He has shown Himself to me. But this place is still dark and full of me. And I am still stumbling over things that I put there myself.